‘Twas the WTF? Before Christmas

Creators were shooting and tweeting about jizz

Porn studs hung like horses with inches to spare

Hoping they’d soon get sucked off down there

The cam girls were nestled all snug in their beds

Fiddling with webcams to fit in their heads

MILFS seducing pool boys and pizza guys

Or crushing submissives ‘tween their strong thighs

When out on the lawn arose such a clatter

The PA had just dropped a catering platter!

Away to the keyboard I flew like flash

To bang out a post about a fine piece of ass

The moon on the breasts of a girl, last name Snow

And a desperate housewife eager to blow

When what to my wandering eyes did appear

But a miniature Cooper packed up with beer

A fine bartender with hands oh so quick

I knew in a moment it must be Saint Dick!

More rapid than eagles his customers came

As the beers he dispensed, calling them by name

“Now Miller, now Heineken, now Bud Light and Stella

On Corona, on Coors, on Michelob and Modelo!”

To the back of the couch, to the top of the bed

Drink away, drink away, drink away and give head

As landscapers with gas-powered blowers let fly

Then, met by seductresses, cuckhold some guy

So upstairs to the bedroom the suitors did go

To pull hair and slap ass and call partners hoes

And then while tinkling I heard on the roof

A casting call for the next porn movie spoof

As I zipped up my pants and was turning around

Downstairs rolled a slave, with feet tightly bound

Dressed all in leather from his head to his feet

With welts all over from a beating complete

A bundle of sex toys slung ‘cross his back

Tail trailing from butt plug with which he’d been packed

His eyes how they watered, his bruises so scary!

His cheeks like roses, or perhaps strawberries.

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a sash

And the beard on his chin smelled just like ass

The ball of a gag he held tight in his mouth

Forgotten his safe word, his memory gone south

His jaw was chiseled, he’d a six-pack of abs

That shook like jello when I offered a dab

He was hard and cut, this handsome young elf

But when I laughed, he said “Go fuck yourself!”

A wink of his butthole and a twist of his head

Soon gave me reason to wish I had fled

He spoke not a word, but got back to work

Pleasing his master with a suck and a jerk

Then laying a finger aside of his nose

Said “make yourself useful and score me some blow”

He stumbled to his car and let out a sigh

Then drove away, one drained Christmas guy

But I heard him exclaim as he rolled out of sight

Merry Christmas to all… now, who’s got a light?

Santa photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels