Angel Rivera on Finding a New Purposes ...and Happiness

Growing up in a border town four hours south of Austin wasn’t easy for Angel Rivera. But those beginnings set the stage for a memorable industry debut in 2018, one that led the performer to a nomination for Best Newcomer at the 2019 GayVN Awards. “You have to have thick skin to get along, really. And if someone’s really sensitive or bullied, they’re going to be picked on double. So what I learned growing up in a border town was one, I’ve got to learn Spanish, because I’m a Mexican that doesn’t know Spanish in a Spanish town; and two, I need to let people stop fucking with me.” The atmosphere made exploring his sexuality a little more challenging. “I had kind of always known that there was something about guys that turned me on, but it never really became a thing because in that town, there was no one that was gay or willing to be outed in that sense. So I dated girls—one for one year, two for two years—and my sexuality was kind of always in the mix. But I knew deep down I was bisexual. I just never really explored it.” That also proved to be a challenge at home, where privacy came at a premium. Being an only child didn’t help (“that’s made it harder, I think”). “I was a super horny kid from the get-go, and the second I got a phone, I’m looking at porn all the time. I answer to my dick, apparently. It’s actually funny, because my stepdad caught me watching gay porn a few times. And then when I came out, that was still a big thing for them—they were like, ‘What?!’ I was like, ‘You caught me watching it quite a bit!’ They saw me watching girls and then they saw me watching guys, and they would only be pissed that I was watching guys. So, it was just like … okay?” Rivera laughs. “I did lock my (room) door, but my stepdad took the door off the hinges one time. I was always that kid that if the TV were on and I could watch porn on it, I would just put the volume really low and put a towel underneath my door so there would be no light coming out. My stepdad kind of poked through a few towels and was like, ‘Ha! Caught you!’” Rivera also explored on apps, and admits that he felt “really dirty” after his initial Grindr hookups—a feeling that faded over time. “I don’t know if that was the small-town mindset or if that’s how everybody feels on Grindr,” he laughs. “For that to be my first real experience with actual gay sex … it wasn’t my best experience. But I ended up meeting a boy in college, and that kind of settled me a little bit. Growing up in that small town, you don’t really see a lot of homosexuality regardless. So when I started dating this guy, he’s taking me to drag shows, drag brunches, making me watch RuPaul—all of this shit is just being thrown at me in a matter of months, and I was just like, ‘Whoa, hold on … slow down.’ But I guess you could say I found myself more in college.” When he was 18, Rivera saw a path to something better. “Funny enough, I was actually paying for a Helix subscription, and I had been watching their stuff for a few months. And I didn’t really take it seriously, but I was in my border town at the time and I was thinking, ‘Well, who knows, maybe they’ll like this gay kid from out of nowhere.’ And a few days later, Casey [Roman] at Helix hits me back and he’s like, ‘When can you fly out? When can you get tested? Let’s get the ball rolling.’ And I flaked on him because my truck wouldn’t make it two hours to where I could get tested,” he laughs, “and I was too much of a pussy to tell my parents, because they would have to know where I was going.” Rivera also had trouble getting over his initial surprise that Helix was actually interested in him. “Like I said, it goes back to growing up being bullied, living in Texas. I had braces as a kid, I had dimples. People told me, ‘Oh, you’d be cute … if you had this’ or ‘… if you started dressing like this’ or ‘… if you started doing this.’ And that kind of stuck it in my head at a young age—people are going to have other opinions about you on how you should be, and it’s just fucked up that you gotta tell somebody, ‘Oh, you’re gonna be cute…if you do this.’ Why isn’t that person cute regardless? Why does a change in hairstyle matter? Why does one less dimple matter, really? I just feel like people should treat people as people, regardless of their looks.” And that’s where Rivera sees an opportunity for the sex industry to help, “especially if more models were open about their experiences growing up and all the bad stuff that’s happened. Kids need to grow up not being so afraid to hit on somebody, or not being afraid to walk up and ask a girl for her number, because I was that kid.” Rivera got over his initial hesitation and finally got the courage to take the plunge in late 2017 thanks to—of all people—his family (but not because they intended to give him a nudge). “My family is full of snippy comments and little notions. Basically, what my family was saying—not directly towards me, but when talking to somebody else—were things like, ‘Oh this person can do that … but they’re gay.’ Or, ‘This person does this … but they’re gay.’ It was always ‘… but they’re gay.’ And that’s all I heard, you know? So when I got back to Texas State where I was going to college at the time, I sent Casey a text. I was like, ‘Hey, is there still a way to get in?’ And he flew me out that December. It was more of like my parents pushing at it and nudging at it, just about the whole sexuality thing, and I just kind of ripped it off like a Band-Aid.” Rivera also decided he was going to be honest with them from the start. “At first I was like, ‘Hey, I’m gay.’ Then for eight months they were like, ‘Whatever, whatever.’ Then Thanksgiving comes around, and I tell both my parents, ‘Hey, I’m going to do this.’ It was hard, but fuck it. I can tell you man to man; you’ve always told me to be honest, so I’m going to be honest. My mom didn’t take it as seriously as it should have been,” laughs Rivera. “But my stepdad kind of knew. He was like, ‘If you’re gonna do it, you’re gonna do it. I’m not gonna tell you not to. You know what’s going to happen with your family, but if you know you want to do this, go do it.’ “It wasn’t support. He wasn’t supporting me. He was like, ‘I know you’re going to cause a shitstorm, but we’re gonna go through it. But if you’re doing it to keep you happy, then go do it.’ Because my parents saw—well, my mom didn’t see, but my stepdad definitely saw the last year that I was in college, I was kind of gritting it out. I was studying every day, really trying, and it wasn’t working. And it got to the point where I started filming for Helix. And I’m not blaming them for me dropping out; but I dropped out in like March, so by that time I was already smoking some weed, and I had different thoughts about life and where I wanted to be. I was so tired of being unhappy that I just started to do things for myself. Not in a selfish way, but like just things I feel I deserve.” Rivera filmed a solo first before being paired with Josh Brady in “Introducing Angel Rivera,” which debuted at Helix in January of 2018. It started a busy year for the performer, who notched nearly 20 scenes last year. He had moved from Texas to New York before making his way to Las Vegas in April. “The solo wasn’t weird; it was really easy … I had jacked off on live feeds before where you could see other kids jacking off, so that wasn’t too hard. But my scene with Josh I was really nervous about, because right before me and my boyfriend broke up—right before I went into Helix—his biggest comment was, ‘You can’t bottom.’ He always said that: ‘You couldn’t bottom, you couldn’t bottom.’ And they throw me in a bottoming scene with this dude,” Rivera laughs. “And I’m a porn virgin. I’m just losing my mind. They’re saying ‘switch positions’ or ‘go here’ and ‘go there,’ and I’m like, ‘How? What? I don’t have sex like this!’ If there’s anything I can really remember, it’s being nervous off my ass and trying to make sure what I did was right.” Rivera has grown a lot since then—and not just in front of the camera. “I feel like I’ve just become a lot less materialistic of a person. I’m not really bound to needing expensive things or anything like that, and that was a big thing growing up: ‘I need to pay for this, I need to pay for that.’ Now I’m at a point where I have a little money and I can spend it, but I don’t. I’m not like, ‘Ooh, I need this pair of Jordans!’ or ‘I need this really cool laptop!’” His favorite memory from 2018 was being at the Electric Daisy Carnival with boyfriend (and fellow Helix performer) Joey Mills, where he had a realization. “That was the first time I’d ever done EDC, and Vegas was hot … really hot. And It was just three days of going from 6 at night to 6 in the morning. There were just moments where I was like, ‘Wow, I can’t believe I’m here, I can’t believe I’m doing this.’ A year ago, I didn’t think I’d be anything more than this gay kid out of Texas eventually working oil fields, honesty. That’s where I saw my life going. But with Helix and with everything that’s been happening, and with this first year in porn and how it’s gone for me … I feel like it’s set me right.” And while there are many Texas natives who “escaped” for a life in the adult industry (including the likes of superstars Wesley Woods and Austin Wolf), Rivera hasn’t bonded with many of them … yet. “It was funny, because I’ve never really met a porn star from Texas before. But at the last award show, I was able to meet a gay porn star from Dallas. He used to work for Helix at the time I was watching it. That was another trippy moment—meeting another gay kid from Texas that has a fucked-up family like you do, and just bonding over that.” Rivera notes that his new experiences have also helped him reprioritize what’s important to him. “I’ve never had a genuine passion, to be honest. I was never like, ‘Ooh, I wanna be this when I grow up!’ Honestly, in kindergarten when they do all that shit with the kids and they line them up and ask them, my best answer was ‘Batman.’ I couldn’t give anybody a real job as a kid. It’s never really been a thing for me. Beforehand, what I was trying to do was get my HR degree or get a mass communications degree and work in advertising. But it got to the point where I would go to class high, I wouldn’t take my notes. And when I noticed that I didn’t really care, that was the second I was like, ‘Okay, I should drop out, because I’m just paying more money.’” Along the way, the performer has also redefined what happiness means to him. “I just want to be happier. That’s my main focus. There’s no ‘what I see myself doing in five years.’ It’s more like, can I keep myself happy? Because all my life, I’ve been living vicariously through my parents until the age of 20 years old. And I’m 21, and I think I deserve a little happiness. So right now, I guess you could say I didn’t see myself being in porn for this long, or by any means being a splash at all; but this is more the direction I was going. “I’m a lot less depressed than I was as a kid. When I was in college doing everything my parents told me, I was like, ‘Man, this life would be great, but it’s not for me.’ And I would kind of get depressed: ‘I’m not doing what I want.’ For 20 years, I heard them say, ‘Oh, you can do what you want later.’ So when I got to this point, happiness for me is just, can I keep my relationship happy? Can I keep my bills paid and be an adult? Can I just kind of just enjoy the moments of life before they go away? I’ve always said to my parents, whether we’re seeing eye to eye or not and even if we’re having the biggest fucking argument, I’m going to end the conversation with, ‘I love you.’ Because God forbid something happen, I don’t want the last thing I say to you be, ‘God, I hate you!’ or ‘I can’t believe you did this.’ So that’s what keeps me happy. It lets me know that I’m doing okay.” As for his parents? “I mean, they’re adjusting I guess,” Rivera says, adding that overall, the reception from friends and family has improved. “It’s better. I get a lot more respect, and I don’t know if it’s because I’m not putting up with anyone’s bullshit. I went back for Thanksgiving this past year, and it was cool. There was a lot less homophobic stuff than I was expecting. Basically, the gist of everybody’s support was, ‘Hey, you’re doing what you’re doing, we’re happy to have you here.’ And that’s all I really want. The support’s gotten better.” That newfound assurance and confidence has spilled over into his work life, where Rivera has grown into his new skin—and learned how to balance his onscreen performance with the whirlwind of social media that the industry demands. “People just need to like keep their eyes open and watch out, and I don’t mean that in a bad way. Something that my dad told me that’s stuck with me and always helped me, is that friends come and go; friends are not forever. You’re going to find a small group of people that might last, but for the most part, all of your friends are not going to have your back. Look out for your own back. So I guess for me, it’s more being aware of my surroundings, being aware of what’s going on and taking in everything, every second that I can.” For those friends that Rivera considers close, “they think I’m hilarious. I know it’s a basic answer, but a lot of people that don’t really know me have an outside perception that I’m an asshole. But with my friends, I can be on the phone for hours, laughing, crying … it doesn’t matter. Good times, bad times, I’ve got a good group of people that I lean on, and they would all describe me I guess as mature for my age—that’s a lot of what I hear, but also like a crybaby bitch because I’m so insecure,” he laughs. Rivera noted his contract with Helix was up near the new year, “but I feel like it’s good, so I wouldn’t imagine filming for another studio anytime soon … everybody is just really nice. We’re all a real close circle. Working with them is great, and I’ve learned a lot of stuff with Alex and Casey.” His 2019 is off to a great start. Rivera joined Mills and three other fellow Helix performers on stage to accept the Best Group Scene win (for “Splash”) at the 2019 GayVN Awards in Las Vegas. He soaked up the atmosphere all weekend, enjoying every moment as he met new people and experienced the big industry gathering. Rivera notes that he wants to be seen more as a versatile performer: “Before, it was only like, ‘Angel is going to bottom.’ That’s all I would hear every shoot. All my fans only liked me bottoming. But being able to be a verse star and be in a verse category, that’s some growth for me. So now they’re like, ‘Okay Angel, have at it, and if you don’t need to stop, don’t stop.’ Now they give us less direction the longer we’re in it, if that makes sense.” In his private life, Rivera strives for constant self-learning, whether that’s listening to different music, reading about different eras or watching documentaries. “I’m just always trying to absorb something, and I feel like that will make me better …if I’m not just having fun, then I’m trying to absorb and learn and get better.” He has his eyes on a move to Los Angeles and breaking into a more mainstream market, “which is going to support me for a lot longer. I want to follow that ... just eventually getting out of porn. I’m not saying anytime soon, but you’re not going to be cute forever, so you gotta be able to sustain yourself when you’re ugly,” he laughs. It’s that sort of outlook—and sense of humor—that has endeared Rivera to his fans. He credits them with his success. “I think it’s all about being genuine with your fans, to be honest. If you try and make everybody happy, it’s not going to happen. If you try and change your style for one group of people, it’s not going to happen. The best thing you can do is just be yourself, and the people that vibe with you are going to vibe with you. For me, it just worked out that a lot of people like my thoughts, and I guess people gravitate more towards me because I’m humble, because I don’t have a lot to say when it comes to something negative, I’m always just trying to be positive. And whether it’s weed or my boyfriend saying ‘I love you’ or my mom saying ‘I love you,’ when I’m in a good feeling, I just don’t feel like anything can touch me.”