The 2016 Olympics Are Going To Be Fucking Great!

RIO DE JANIERO, Brazil—Remember when you were in high school and maybe tried out for a sports team, and the coach warned you against having sex the night (or day) before the Big Game? Remember how having sex was supposed to deplete your energy or cause you to lose concentration When It Counted The Most? Well, welcome to the second decade of the 21st century, when nobody (except the Most Religious) believes that shit anymore—especially not the International Olympic Committee (IOC). When the games begin later this month, some 10,000 athletes are expected to occupy the official Olympic Village, and when they get there, they'll have about FOUR HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND (450,000) condoms waiting for them; 350K for the guys, and in a flash of brilliance, also about 100K female condoms for the women—the first time that's ever happened. Oh, and just in case, they'll also be provided with 175,000 packets of lube, 'cause all that exercise can make you so dry! The provision of condoms to the Olympians doesn't have a long history. The first time the IOC did it was in '88 at the Seoul games, and back then, it was a piddling 8,500 rubbers that were expected to last for the length of the competition—but by Sydney in '00, the number was up to 90,000—with 20,000 of them a last minute add-on because all the others had been used up before the Games were even half over! And in case you're wondering how the athletes are hooking up to use all those condoms, it's pretty much as you'd expect: Tinder got a good workout at the winter games in Sochi in 2014, while Grindr actually crashed for a while right after the athletes arrived in London for the Olympics in 2012. The ostensible justification for all that rubber is the Zika virus, which is rampant in some parts of Brazil, and athletes who contract the generally mild disease could nonetheless bring remnants of the virus home with them, and women who have had the virus—or who fuck men who have had it—who get pregnant may find that their fetuses are suffering from microcephaly, or tiny brain syndrome. Hey, better to "wrap that rascal" than to suffer those kind of consequences, no?