Illinois Bill Would Save Dead People From Exposure to Strippers

SPRINGFIELD, IL—One might think that in a state where roughly two-thirds of both legislative houses are Democratic, politicians wouldn't be stupid enough to pass an adult zoning ordinance that mandates, in some instances, that adult businesses stay almost a full mile away from the customary "sensitive uses"—though how "cemeteries" got to be a "sensitive use" is definitely one for the books. "It is prohibited within an unincorporated area of a county to locate an adult entertainment facility within 3,000 feet of the property boundaries of any school, day care center, cemetery, public park, forest preserve, public housing, place of religious worship, or residence," reads Section 5-1097.5(b)—apparently already part of Illinois law—of House Bill 3983, "except that in a county with a population of more than 800,000 and less than 2,000,000 inhabitants, it is prohibited to locate, construct, or operate a new adult entertainment facility within one mile of the property boundaries of any school, day care center, cemetery, public park, forest preserve, public housing, or place of religious worship located anywhere within that county. Notwithstanding any other requirements of this Section, it is also prohibited to locate, construct, or operate a new adult entertainment facility within one mile of the property boundaries of any school, day care center, cemetery, public park, forest preserve, public housing, or place of religious worship located in that area of Cook County outside of the City of Chicago." The bill was introduced on February 27 by Rep. Margo McDermed (R-BatShitCrazy) and immediately referred to the Rules Committee, which hopefully will see that, despite the caveat which the bill would insert into the existing law, which reads, "The provisions requiring a one-mile separation shall not be enforced if enforcement would fail to allow adult entertainment facilities reasonable alternative avenues of communication," there's no way in hell that forcing Illinois residents to travel a full mile to attend a strip club or adult movie theater, or visit an adult book or video store could possibly be justified as an antidote for alleged "adverse secondary effects." And besides: How in hell would an adult business have such an adverse effect on a forest preserve that it must stay a mile away from it? Last we looked, trees are incredibly uninterested in porn or strippers. Interestingly, another new section of the bill states, "This Section is not intended to deny access by adults to any expression that may be protected by the First Amendment of the United States Constitution or by the Illinois Constitution." Actually, that's exactly what it's intended to do! Also new in the bill: Stores whose "primary business" is the sale of "devices, other than devices designed to prevent pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases, that are designed for use during specified sexual activities" would now meet the definition of an "adult business," despite the fact that the boutiques that would now fit this description would carry no sexually explicit DVDs, magazines or other similar material. HB 3983 would allow a "home rule unit" that would be authorized to diminish the "set-back" between adult businesses and the "sensitive uses," but if they do so, it must be "not less than 250 feet." However, Section 5-1097.7(d) states that "A home rule unit may not enact an ordinance, rule, or otherwise allow an adult entertainment facility to operate in a manner inconsistent with this Section or subsection (e) of Section 5-1097.5 of this Code," so no matter how much a particular municipality might like to allow its citizens to enjoy adult entertainment more easily, this clause will prevent that from happening. And if a court finds that any of this law's prohibitions have been violated, the court is authorized to fine the offending business $1,000 per day for each violation, "with each day in violation constituting a new and separate offense." What that poorly-worded clause seems to mean is that a store or club could be fined $1,000 for the first day, but Day 2 would be a new violation, also subject to another $1,000 fine in addition to the $1,000 the business would have to pay for the second day of the first violation! Hence, within one month, a business could be liable for nearly half a million bucks in fines! HB 3983 may still have a long way to go before becoming law, and may in fact never make it out of the Democratically-controlled committee—but it's still saddening that in the modern day and age, state legislators are still proposing crap like this.