Controversy Over 'Sex Box' Shows How Obsessed the 'Godly' Are

JESUSLAND—Quick show of hands: How many of you watched the premiere of Sex Box on the WE Network Friday night? All of you? Good! Now: How many of you felt anything remotely approaching a tingle in your pant(ie)s from watching the show? Anybody? Anybody at all? Fact is, Sex Box was incredibly boring, unless you're really into those silly-ass "therapy" shows like Dr. Phil. Not only could one not see an exposed tit, much less a boner in a guy's pants, from any of the "contestants," but no one even used what might be termed "explicit language," though the word "orgasm" was mentioned a couple of time. So why are Parents Television Council (PTC), the American Family Association (AFA) and its bastard stepchild One Million Moms (1MM) so bent out of shape about it? First, let's talk about what did happen on the show. The basic action is, a couple walks out on stage in front of the "sex box" and sits on a couch opposite three family therapists, one of whom is also a pastor. The couple discuss their current sex lives, the shrinks ask a few questions about it, the couple go in the sex box, have sex for varying lengths of time, then come back out and talk with the therapists again, the premise being that after having had sex, the couple will have let their guard down because of the oxytocin or endorphins or something released during intercourse, and will be more honest in their responses to the shrinks' questions. Only one couple was vaguely interesting, and it wasn't the first pair. Seems that first guy likes to make jokes about everything, and his wife feels he isn't taking their relationship seriously, so the shrinks advise them to "communicate" better in the bedroom. After they have sex, the couple is asked to rate the experience. He gives it an 8.8 (though how he distinguished the experience from 8.7 or 8.9 isn't revealed), and she gives it a 7.9, so apparently he's improved, and the shrinks advise them to keep communicating better. The second couple was almost worth listening to. She's white, he's black, and they've been swingers for 17 years, having had a bunch of threesomes and foursomes during that time. Now the guy apparently wants to add a semi-permanent girlfriend to their relationship, since he "wants to date her with my wife," who is bi, BTW. The shrinks ask a bunch of questions, many of which suggest that their "fetish for novelty" might be leading them into unhappiness, and suggest that they only screw each other for a while. In fact, while the couple is in the (windowless, soundproofed) box "doing it," the shrinks spend the time ragging on the "girlfriend" idea and concluding that it'd be bad news. Back on the couch, the couple report that they had a pretty good time, with the wife noting that "he spent some time in the southern region." But the shrinks are dead set against adding a girlfriend to the mix, and get the wife to say that she really doesn't like the idea, so the couple agrees to think about the idea for a year or so. (At the end of the program, which was apparently filmed several months ago, it's revealed that the guy has given up the girlfriend idea.) The third couple reveals that they've been married for two years, and while at first, the wife was gung-ho to Do It several times a day (with hubby videotaping much of it), after the birth of their child, she's pretty much lost interest in fucking, which apparently included some kinky elements that they weren't specific about. Now, she admits, they only do it about once a week, mostly because the kid is around. So into the box they go—while the shrinks spend the "down time" ragging on the couple's interest in kink. Returning to the couch after roughly half an hour, the couple reveal that they engaged in more foreplay than usual, and the wife admits that she "let go" more. She also talks a bit about her family history, noting that her mom had her when mom was 14, and wasn't really a good mother, and the wife wants to be a better mother to her child than her own mother was to her—and hubby signs on to be a better father as well. As for the shrinks, they tell the couple they need to work on compromising with each other more. (Translation: "You don't have to fuck as much as you once did, but more than you currently do.") And that's Sex Box in a nutshell—but you'd never get any of that from reading the hysterical screeds from Parents Television Council. "One of the most disgusting reality shows of our time is set to premiere this Friday evening," begins a recent PTC email. "WE tv’s Sex Box not only threatens to mark a shocking, all-time low in television programming, but many Americans like you are forced to pay for it as part of the basic cable bundle. That’s why we need your support today to continue our fight against Sex Box!" Talk about multi-tasking! PTC not only uses its opposition to this incredibly boring and benign program to raise funds, but also to flog their long-running "cable unbundling" campaign! "Parents and families don't have to watch Sex Box to know that this live sex show isn't something they want coming into their homes," predicted PTC president Tim Winter. "The problem is that every single PTC member—and, in fact, every American—who wants to watch any cable programming is also forced to pay for this live sex show that masquerades as 'therapy' whether they want it or not. That is an outrage, and it demonstrates just how broken the cable programming marketplace has become." But the fact is, WE TV offered to screen the show for Winter. Winter apparently refused, because what use are facts when you've got a censorial philosophy to push? "WE tv has made us an offer in an attempt to deflect any responsibility for the content of this show," Winter wrote of WE's "challenge," "so here’s my counter-offer: WE tv should reimburse every PTC member for the monthly cable subscription fees it receives from our members who don't want WE. They should make the same offer for all cable and satellite subscribers. In the meantime, we will continue our campaign to stop Sex Box." And continue they did! They even mounted a petition drive to have the show cancelled, the text of which (emphasis included) reads: Join the national movement to STOP SEX BOX! On February 27, the WE tv network will televise real-life couples having sex for a national television audience. This new reality show far exceeds the limits of decency when its participants enter a soundproof box on stage, have sex, and then discuss their "intimacy issues" with a panel of so-called experts. Sex Box should never see the light of day. Add your voice today! Your support will help the Parents Television Council (PTC) stop this disgraceful new show from entering the American television lineup. When you sign our petition today, PTC will communicate your message, and those of millions of other concerned parents and grandparents just like you, to EVERY ADVERTISER and EVERY CABLE SYSTEM in the United States. Speak up and sign our petition today! The more voices we have, the louder we can speak to stop Sex Box. I demand that "Sex Box" be removed from the American television lineup. As a concerned citizen, I expect that television networks, cable providers, and advertisers will hold themselves to a high standard of decency and I do not support such outrageous, disgraceful content on television. ** Great stuff, eh? After all, the psychics at PTC didn't even have to see the show to know that it contained "outrageous, disgraceful content" that "should never see the light of day"! They (and AFA and 1MM) even urged the show's (non-) viewers to contact show advertiser Arm & Hammer to express their outrage, because after all, "WE tv wants you to believe that Sex Box is being aired because of the therapeutic benefits it stands to offer participants (real-life couples discuss their relationship issues immediately after having sex inside a soundproof box … all in front of a live audience). In reality, it is simply laying the groundwork for actual, not simulated, live sex to become the new normal for television." YEAH! Because watching a big box that changes color from blue to red when people are having sex in it is exactly like LionReach/Adam & Eve's Marriage 2.0! Just add a "green door" and you've got an adult classic! What's more, Penny Nance—you remember her as the moderator of the first "Victims of Pornography Summit" back in '05—has got WE's number sewed up tight! "Make no mistake; this is no Dr. Ruth reboot," Nance declared. "WE tv is no more interested in helping troubled relationships than MTV is with helping teens refrain from sex. To them, it’s all about shock, titillation and pushing the boundaries. WE tv brought it to the U.S. not to help marriages in distress, but to help their distressed ratings. The truth is that the network knows what sells, and unfortunately, it’s being sold to stations that our sons and daughters may accidently stop on as they are flipping through the channels." And see what? Five people sitting on a pair of couches in front of a big box that turns colors,  talking about relationships and not even using any "bad words"? PTC flack Christopher Gildemeister even had a faux question-and-answer posting to counter sane folks' assumption that, this being basic, non-HBO/Cinemax/Showtime cable TV, Sex Box wouldn't be showing any body parts one couldn't see just walking down the street—and even includes a sort of shout-out to the 2015 AVN Awards Show comedian! "The true intentions of WE tv are clearly demonstrated by the fact that, in addition to the alleged 'therapists' on the set, also present to comment on the action will be PROFESSIONAL COMEDIAN Danielle Stewart," Gildemeister stated, all caps included. "Because who better to comment on couples undergoing serious relationship therapy than a comedian?" (Of course, never mind the fact that, at least on that first show, Stewart was nowhere in sight.) And what of the fact that since the show airs at 10 p.m., long after the kiddies should be in bed? "Even if parents are successful in blocking children from seeing Sex Box during its initial airing, more and more networks today are making their shows available online, where any child with an iPad, smartphone, or internet connection can access them, even through computers at school," he argued, apparently oblivious to the fact that with all the actual porn available online, what kid is going to bother with Sex Box? "And there is no doubt that children will be exposed to the commercials for Sex Box, which air across multiple channels at all times of the day. Should parents be forced to explain to their kindergarten-age kids what a 'sex box' is?" (Um, yeah, they should, because that's what parents are for: to answer questions like that—and there will be many as the child grows up.) And then there's that slippery slope we all need to be afraid of. "If Sex Box is successful, it will only lower the bar for other cable networks to air programs just as bad," Gildemeister warned. "We’ve seen this time and again, most recently with Discovery Channel’s Naked and Afraid. It wasn’t long after that show premiered that other networks joined in, with VH1’s Dating Naked, TLC’s Buying Naked, and others." Except, of course, with all the computer masking, no one actually saw anyone naked. Maybe the successor to Sex Box will have a window ... facing away from the camera! And since the world has apparently passed Gildemeister (and everyone else at PTC) by, guess what, dudes? If it weren't for your insane religious fetishes, we'd have had hardcore TV channels years ago! This article is brought to you, as they say on Sesame Street, by "channel changer" and the "on/off switch."