Dartmouth Students: What IS Rick Perry's Price for Anal Sex?

HANOVER, N.H.—Now that the midterm elections are over, Rick Perry's on the campaign trail again—he's planning to run for president again in 2016, don't cha know?—and one of his first stops was Dartmouth College, a fairly liberal bastion in New Hampshire, where he'd been invited to speak by the local Federation of Republican Women. While we don't have the text of Perry's speech, reliable conservative sources (not an oxymoron!) report that he was on hand to talk about "border security and fiscal responsibility," topics not very high on Ivy League college students' "to do" list, but what the heck? But then, after he finished talking, he opened the floor up for questions—and that's when the fun started. See, sophomore student Ben Packer had drawn up a list of questions to be asked of Perry, which list Packer distributed on campus the afternoon before the speech—and three students, including Packer, managed to get called on to pose some of those questions. In fact, Packer was the first questioner, and he asked Perry, "In 2002, you supported Texas' anti-sodomy law. Do you dislike bootysex because the peeny goes in where the poopy comes out?" According to one attendee, Perry "politely deflected the question"—but ther was more to come. After Perry got done ranting about how terrible same-sex marriage is, a second questioner asked, "Recently in San Francisco, you explained that being gay is like being an alcoholic. Would you like to get drunk and be gay with me?" At that point, some attendees got a little sweaty, and before Perry could respond, College Republican Club president Michelle Knesbach got up and pleaded with the students "to be more respectful and stop asking lewd questions." Yeah, that was gonna happen! Indeed, a short time later, yet another student who got the microphone asked, "In your campaigns, you have received hard-money campaign contributions of $102 million, half of which came from 204 donors. Would you have anal sex for $102 million?" Again, Perry "deflected" the question, and the Q&A was over a short time later. Parker scored the event as "Mission Accomplished," even though the president of the College Democrats club later took Parker to task for being "disrespectful." "Who gets to define what is unnecessary and inappropriate? Why does Rick Perry deserve my respect?" Packer asked in response to the College Democrat club president's comments. "To tell me I represented Dartmouth poorly is ironic. The roomful of people chatting with Rick Perry without discussing his social policy represents Dartmouth poorly." Indeed, we liked the questions, and on the off-chance that one or more of AVN's readers may have the opportunity to attend some future Rick Perry speech, here is a list of the questions not asked at Dartmouth: • "Does your ideal anti-sodomy law prevent me from playing with my own poop shoot [sic]?" • "If new documents revealed that Jesus liked to play with his own hairy hollow, would you change your opinion?" • "I know you have been very strong on all foreign policy issues, including Somali pirates, but what is your stance on butt pirates?" • "YOu once played yourself in the movie Deep in the Heart; would you ever let someone go Deep in your Fart (Cavity)?" • "Given that you believe God made us intentionally to serve a specific purpose, why did he make our bungholes so sensitive, and create such easy access to the prostate for great orgasms?" • "You have fought hard against abstinence plus sex education in favor of a strict abstinence-only policy. You have also taken a strong position in opposition to abortion. Is this because you want people to not know what condoms are, and not be able to terminate unwanted pregnancies, so that they have to have anal sex?" • "You have recently been involved in a corruption scandal. Would you like to have anal sex with me later?" • "You have recently said that homosexuality tears at the fabric of society. If I showed you hard science that anal sex does not tear at the fabric of your butthole, would you change your mind?" "Also, please ask serious questions about his stances on abortion, racism in the justice system, immigration, and more," Parker added at the bottom of his list. "Also, try to take a picture with him after the event, and don't hesitate to show your love! Go in for the kiss!" Pictured: Rick Perry, possibly commenting on the size of something.