Lakers Promised BJs If They Reach 47 Wins, Which They Won't

LOS ANGELES—It's not that we don't love our Lakers. We do, in the same way we love full reservoirs and affordable rent, which we hope will one day return to Los Angeles along with Laker wins. Of course, winning isn't everything. In the game of life, we would like every Laker who wants one to be able to get perfect blow jobs from their blower of choice every day of the week, and in that regard we appreciate the not-so-original offer reportedly made by "fresh faced" adult performer Sadie Santana (pictured) to give every Laker a blow job if the team makes it to 47 wins. Why "47" we do not know, but the odds of the Lakers achieving that milestone this season are currently rated at slim to none. As Busted Coverage put it, "And as far as 47 wins go, holy shit. 47 wins!?!?! 47 wins is like the mandatory win tally for a good team trying to make the eight-seed in the Western Conference. Even prime Kobe Bryant wouldn’t be able to carry this piece-of-shit, lottery bound team. We’d have better odds betting on a Phil Jackson-Jeanie Buss-Kobe three-way sex tape leaking than this eyesore of a roster winning 20 games, let alone 47." Ouch. So in reality, unless lighting strikes this season, it looks as though Santana's lips will be sealed come the playoffs, at least as far as them being stuffed with Laker meat.