Porn Biz Drops Its Drawers for 'Joan & Melissa' Season Opener

HOLLYWOOD, Calif.—Hollywood and the Other Hollywood met up for a little nookie last Saturday in the season opener of Joan & Melissa, the "Joan Knows Best" show that's going on its fourth year. The opener's title was "The Sex Tape," with the main plot revolving around one of the Rivers women strongly considering making a sex tape and putting it on the market. Spoiler alert: it isn't Melissa. That's right, the octogenarian comedienne who's made an entire generation of Beverly Hills plastic surgeons rich convinces herself, following a guest appearance on Kris Jenner's talk show that, according to the show's page on wetv.com, "in order to build a Kardashian-sized empire she must make a sex tape." Melissa—who is informed of this idea by her former boyfriend, Vivid honcho Steven Hirsch, who calls her the second a determined Joan Rivers leaves his room after asking to meet him at his offices in the Vivid building to discuss how many millions she could make from her sex tape—is mortified, and tries to talk her mother out of the idea. But Joan is hell-bent, undeterred by the stash of porn DVDs given her by Hirsch, or the visit he sets up for her to visit a porn set, both of which, Hirsch assures a panicked Melissa, will surely dissuade her mom. Not even close. The next porn stop for the elder Rivers is a casting call to find her scene partner, only in this one they are brought into a room and lined up like criminals while Rivers and her two friends sit behind a one-way mirror and give the men directions via a microphone. The men are all known and experienced porn studs—Mr. Pete, Tommy Pistol, Michael Vegas, Mr. Marcus, James Bartholet and Alan Stafford. After briefly explaining who they are and what their individual sexual specialties are, the men are told to disrobe and speak a few lines from sides provided them. The session ends miserably, however, when they are asked if they are open to performing with an older woman. As the age creeps from 60 to 70, a few men bow out and start getting dressed; at 80, everyone gives a thumbs down and soon the room is empty, leaving Rivers a little put out, but still enlightened.   "I saw more junk in that room than you see in a whole season of Hoarders," she joked. As far as what happens in the end, well, let's just put it this way: Joan and Ray J. are both fulfilled. Kylie Ireland also makes an appearance in the episode, as do Ash Hollywood and Cody Sky, and Kenny, directing the poolside scene for Vivid. "The Sex Tape" can be seen on YouTube here. Photo: Joan Rivers on the set of a porn shoot.