Dawn Hawkins II? Cruz Speechwriter Upset By Porn on Train

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Remember Dawn Hawkins, the Morality in Media lackey who got tearfully upset when she found that a guy sitting in a seat in front of her was watching porn on his laptop? Well, move over, Dawn: Texas Repugnican Ted Cruz's speechwriter, Amanda Crapenter Carpenter, just had a similar experience on the District of Columbia's Metro system—except this time, the guy was actually sitting next to her!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!! Crapenter's Carpenter's horrifying adventure started at 7:21 a.m. this morning, though judging by her tweets, her phone is set to Pacific Standard Time, since the time-stamp reads 4:21. In any case, she tweeted to her myriad followers, "OMG there is a guy watching porn next to me on the train. I just yelled at him." We're gonna guess that it wasn't because the voyeuristic speechwriter couldn't see the screen clearly enough, because within a minute, she followed up with, "He's acting like he didn't hear me. Should I tell him to move?! Freaking out." Well, aside from the fact that Some People might think less of Crapenter Carpenter for "freaking out" over something as simple as an image of two or more naked bodies humping (or whatever) joyfully on the screen, and what implications such freaking out would have for Cruz's ability to pick rational people to write his speeches for him, there remains the question of why this guy should listen to some jackass braying in his ear in the first place? But apparently, the guy did hear her, because a minute later, Crapenter Carpenter tweeted, "Now he's playing video games like it never happened. Like I didn't just call him out. GAH. What is wrong with people?!" Yeah, Amanda: what is wrong with people? Here's a guy, probably riding into D.C. to get to his job early, thinking that he can enjoy a bit of harmless sexual entertainment on the way, and some screeching harridan starts giving him an earful about how she's offended by seeing an activity that millions of Americans engage in every day—and worse, getting advice from co-jackasses like Dan Gainor of the ultra-conservative Media Research Center who responded to Crapenter Carpenter with, “Move away, he’s scary weird.” Really: how can people live like that? But though Crapenter Carpenter responded with, "GOOD CALL. Thanks," she didn't actually move away; she made him move! And then, like the mature adult she undoubtedly is, she told her followers, "Going to alert conducter, too." (Good thing speechwriters don't need to know how to spell good...) And then, in what might be described as an excess of caution, she tweeted a few minutes later, "When he moved, I alerted everyone around me what he was doing. The men next to me apologized for not carrying a weapon today, lol." "Laugh out loud" indeed! Because what's funnier than D.C. commuters apologizing to a mentally-deranged woman for not being able to shoot the object of her ire? And "lord" knows, surely no one else on the train would want to look at porn over this guy's shoulder, so good call, Amanda! Other people also had comments on this amusing little exchange. They can be found here.