Not Chris Christie XXX—No, Really: Not

TRENTON, NJ—What with the couple of grand juries that have been empaneled, not to mention a couple of district attorneys looking into his business dealings and a couple (dozen) or so of his current and former staffers having been subpoenaed, NJ Governor Chris Christie probably doesn't need another scandal on his hands—and fortunately, his alleged feature role in an amateur porn film won't be one of them. Gawker.com has the full story here, but the short of it is, some guy came into their offices offering to trade a copy of an alleged Christie sex tape—a gangbang tape, no less—if Gawker would print the guy's article allegedly detailing Christie's ties to mob activity in New Jersey—you remember: That place where The Sopranos was set? And after looking at the side-by-side photos that the guy had provided of Christie and the man in the sex tape, Gawker editor John Cook's takeaway was, "The two mens' ears side-by-side, and zoomed-in photos of what appeared to be moles on the cheeks of both men. The upshot: The man in the pornographic film looked a lot like Christie. The ears, the chins, the eyes, the hair. A lot." Of course, the guy in the sex tape was a lot thinner than Christie is today, but the writer claimed that the tape had been shot back in the '80s when Christie was indeed a lot thinner. But being an actual reporter, Cook did a little digging and discovered that if it were Christie, the tape could only have been made between 1980, when Christie was an undergrad at the University of Delaware, and 1987, when Christie graduated from Seton Hall University's School of Law, after which he was frequently in the public eye. Moreover, the guy claimed that the tape was made as a sort of initiation into the New Jersey mob. Apparently, one no longer becomes a "made man" by killing someone; now, the crime family films you having group sex and holds that over your head to control you for the rest of your life. That didn't make a lot of sense either, even though plenty of politicians in the Northeast have had their political careers short-circuited through sexual peccadillos. Think Eliot Spitzer and Anthony Weiner as two of the best-known. Moreover, Gawker wasn't the first publication this guy had pitched his story to. Before Gawker, there was the New York Times, Mother Jones and a couple of other places that Cook was asked not to name, one of whose reporters told Cook that he thought the actor was Tom Byron—a guess which anyone familiar with Byron's appearance through the years would just laugh at. But the point is, it ain't Christie. Turns out the tape was released by producer/director Mike Hott, who's directed about 400 volumes of the amateur series Mike Hott Home Videos. The movie in question is titled Sloppy Seconds, Vol. 5, and when Cook asked Hott about it, Hott said it had been filmed in Los Angeles in about 2000. It's available as a VOD or digital download on Hott's VOD site here. Sadly, most of the performers aren't listed, but it's a pretty safe bet that one of them isn't Christie—a fact Hott confirmed in his email correspondence with Cook. Anyway, the story made decently interesting content for Gawker, and hopefully Cook had fun writing up the story—but those looking to bash Chris Christie for something he did besides all the stuff that's already come out in the press—which is plenty—will have to use something other than porn. (This might be one of them.) Pictured: Not Chris Christie.