Want Lace Panties in Russia? Lotsa Luck!

MOSCOW, Russia—Bet you never knew what a big problem abdominal sweat is for women living in Russia, Belarus and Kazakhstan—’cause if you did, you'd know why the government-controlled Eurasian Economic Commission has banned the manufacture of lace panties in those countries, beginning July 1, 2014. According to a report on the BBC website, it seems that Russian officials claim that "lace does not absorb enough moisture," so of course, that must be the reason for the ban. Couldn't possibly be that women's rights are disrespected in those three countries even more than they are among America's religious conservatives! No, absolutely not! That's why, if the panty doesn't contain at least six percent cotton, it's off store shelves. And certainly the fact that, of the estimated $4 billion Russians spend on undies every year, 80 percent of the garments are manufactured in the U.S. and western Europe couldn't have anything to do with the new enforcement of the ban; nosiree! Who cares that, if analysts' predictions are correct, about 90 percent of all underwear sold in stores in the three countries will disappear as a result of the ban? "As a rule, lacy underwear … is literally snatched off the shelves," said Alisa Sapardiyeva, the manager of DD-Shop, a lingerie store in Moscow. "If you take that away again, the buyer is going to be the one who suffers the most." Of course, not everyone is taking this edict, which was actually passed in 2011 but hasn't previously been enforced, lying down (as it were); recently, 30 Kazakhstanian women were arrested while protesting the ban. What might have set the cops off was the fact that the women were wearing lacy underwear on their heads and shouting, "Freedom to panties!" So maybe American porn stars will consider sending gift baskets of their unwanted unmentionables to their comrades behind the Cotton Curtain? Just sayin'... Pictured: Lace panty protesters.