On the Set: Brad Armstrong's 'MIB: A Hardcore Parody'

LOS ANGELES—Science-fiction-themed porn movies are almost always the most fun to cover, because when you walk onto the set, you never know what you’re going to see. In the case of Brad Armstrong’s Men In Black: A Hardcore Parody, the most noticeable feature of the set was the cornfield—well, that and the alien lizard creature leashed to a couple of apple boxes, just waiting for its “master” to put it through its paces. (See link to trailer below) “We’re doing a crop circle gag,” Armstrong explained on the Wicked Pictures set. “In the movie, we’re going to have the big cool shot of the crop circle and kind of zoom in, and this is one of the more subtle scenes that not everybody will remember from the movie but it’s just a quick flashback in the second one where we see the real Ambassador Lauranna with [Agent] K, and this is kind of his dream/nightmare thing, where they’re together and this is where Princess Lauranna in the real movie got shot, but here she’s gonna get sex.” Armstrong’s version of Men In Black (MIB) is a mash-up between the two mainstream movies, and should be on store shelves just in time to take advantage of the theatrical release of MIB III—but while the parody manages humorous takes on some of the iconic images and characters from the Hollywood versions, Armstrong’s script features the scenes dyed-in-the-wool MIB fans would like to see, together with extrapolations of events that fit neatly into the MIB universe. For instance... “I am playing Edgar,” Armstrong said, referring to Vincent D’Onofrio’s human-suited bug of MIB I, “and that’s why I’m all scruffy today, but I have the voice pretty well down so I’m pretty happy. Our parody version of that is, he’s come back to Earth and is now in agreement with the Men in Black; he’s kind of on the straight and narrow and not causing any more problems—but he has a website now called ‘Bug Girls.’ So when the agents walk in, he’s in mid-shoot, and we have two bug-girl aliens, Nicole Aniston and Mia Leilani, and they’ve been all prosthetic'd up, so they’ve got the big fly eyes and antennae, and they’re in sexy clothes. So we’re doing this photo shoot with them and they’ll have a girl/girl scene going on. And because Edgar isn’t the prettiest character, we decided to make it that I ask them, ‘How about a little POV, girls?’ So we shoot a little POV with the two bug girls on my penis, so that should be lots of fun.” That Armstrong has hired some of porn’s most talented actors to fill out his cast should be a given. Former Wicked mainstay Randy Spears has come out of retirement (again) to fill the shoes of Agent K, while James Bartholet will essay the organization’s leader, Agent Zed—a role for which he got some highly specialized coaching. “James actually knows Rip Torn,” Armstrong revealed, “and he told Rip that he was going to play him, so everybody including Rip got a good laugh about that, because in our movie, James’ character is a bit on the femme side ... and really likes his younger agents.” But perhaps the most interesting character this time around will be Agent J. “We were trying to figure a way to get more girls into the picture,” Armstrong explained, “because it’s kind of a guy-heavy cast, but once we had the plot of the new aliens, that they were body-snatching the girls to breed with, we went, ‘You know, we can turn Agent J into a girl and use him for bait.’ So we have the big pod, sort of like the pod in The Fly, and we put Ethan Hunt, who is our Agent J, in the pod and he comes out as Misty Stone, and now she really ‘makes this shit look good.’ We’ve got Jessica Drake as our new character; she’s going to be doing all of the body-snatching and all that, and some of the special effects in her scenes are just amazing.” Speaking of special effects, one scene that will offer a lot of them is the coupling (threeway?) we were on hand to witness between Alektra Blue, who’s nearly the spitting image of Lara Flynn Boyle’s disguised alien snake creature Serleena, and Xander Corvus’s Scrad, the human-looking alien with the toy surprise: His other head, Charlie, hidden in his backpack. As the scene begins, Alektra has Xander’s head and hands locked into some 18th-century stocks, but when she starts wondering aloud how she’s going to torture him, Charlie pops out of the backpack with a few suggestions. Of course, at this point, Charlie is just a green-painted Styrofoam head fastened to some flexible tubing, and it’ll be interesting to see how Armstrong’s special effects people superimpose Xander’s head onto the dummy version—but once Alektra orders Xander to kiss and lick her knee-high boots, Charlie pretty much disappears. Under the threat of Alektra’s bullwhip, Xander continues kissing her thigh, then licking her pussy until she turns around and orders him to fuck her horsie-style up against the stocks. Reverse cowgirl on a nearby bench follows, then mish, before he soaks her face and tits with his splooge. Simply put, just about all the characters MIB fans liked in the Hollywood versions will show up in the parody, including pawnbroker Jack Jeebs (admirably played by Tommy Pistol—and we’re told that the test shots of his head exploding are nothing less than spectacular), the cigarette-smoking worm creatures (now transformed into talking dildos) and even Frank the dog. All in all, MIB is stacking up to be at least as funny as Armstrong’s multi-award-winning Rocki Whore Picture Show—and even more original.Wicked Pictures’ Men In Black: A Hardcore Parody has a street date of June 27. This article originally ran in the May 2012 issue of AVN magazine.