Catholic Church Chooses Condom-less Porn Over Contraceptives

VATICAN CITY—As the battle in America escalates over the right of any religious person to deny insurance to an employee that includes coverage for contraception, the Vatican has decided that it can no longer sit on the sidelines. In a startling statement that clarifies for all time where the Holy See stands on the hierarchy of sexual sins, a Vatican spokesperson said today that it is officially opposed to the use of condoms in porn. “While we are not going so far as to bless any of the recent releases from major studios such as Vivid, Evil Angel or Wicked Pictures, we have kept ourselves apprised of the use of condoms in motion pictures produced by these and other studios, as well as the plethora of content being produced for internet-only distribution, and have come to the official position that as long as the bird is bare it is in accordance with the Church’s strict prohibition against contraception,” said the spokesperson, who declined to be named. “In that regard,” he added, hesitating to find the exact wording, “these creations are of a lesser order of venality.” Reaction in the room was instantaneous. Nuns in attendance blushed. Bishops who had traveled to the Vatican on official business nodded their heads in sage agreement. Altar boys busy preparing for daily services seemed literally enlightened at the news, and went about their business with a renewed sense of purpose, as if the pressure of having to make a constant choice between porn and condoms was lifted from all. Only representatives from the AIDS Healthcare Foundation seemed perplexed by the position of the Catholic Church, which, as a new supporter of condom-less porn, brings a bank account to bear that dwarfs even that of AHF. “We’re going to huddle and see what our options are,” a determined AHF president Michael Weinstein told reporters back in Los Angeles. “Catholic support or no Catholic support, we have the people on our side. Maybe it’s time to start a new ballot initiative to take away the Church’s tax exemption status, eh? That’s a battle I’m willing to invest in. Hey, if I can kick Larry Flynt’s ass, I don’t think the Pope will be much of a problem.” Las Vegas bookies are calculating the odds of such an epic conflict as we speak. It looks as if 2012 promises to be an apocalyptic year no matter how you slice it. Photo: Pope Benedict XVI waves to his friends in the San Fernando Valley. Finally ... if your bullshit detector wasn't triggered here, you need to recalibrate.