What’s the Difference Between Working at the FBI and in Porn?

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Following the release of disciplinary reports by the Federal Bureau of Investigation, a profound epiphany was experienced by your average porn employee. FBI employees, we were pained to learn, are a far rowdier—and collectively coddled—bunch than we are. A quick perusal of examples provided by CNN reveals a federal law anforcement workplace more like Enron than Ron Jeremy. Reading through the individual cases, it is abundantly clear that stress takes its toll on FBI employees just like it does on everyone else, but it’s hard to tell if the stress that comes with taking down bad guys is more destructive than the stress that comes with being a bad guy. But the data suggests that the intensity and frequency of discipline-causing behavior by FBI employees is light years beyond that of your average meek porn employee. There are, of course, many more FBI employees than people employed in adult entertainment, which may in part account for the huge disparity in behavioral excess. At last count, the FBI had 31,676 on the payroll; porn comes in at a couple thousand people on any given day, with most employed as independent contractors. (cough) The obvious downside to working in a federal bureaucracy like the FBI is that somone always has to take the fall. According to CNN, “The FBI confirms that about 325 to 350 employees a year receive some kind of discipline, ranging from a reprimand to suspension.” In contrast, people are frequently reprimanded in porn, but it's often scripted and available on your iPad. Interestingly, even if it is to the chagrin of many, infractions at the FBI are far more dramatic that what we see at adult entertaionement workplaces. The quarterly emails to employees from the Justice Department’s Office of Professional Responsibility makes the disparity painfully clear. A mere recitation of the types of infractions they see on a regular basis tells the troubling story: Abuse of position; Lack of candor under oath; Disruptive behavior; Insubordination; DUI; Illegal drug use, Impersonating an agent; Misuse of government credit card; Misuse of government database; Misuse of position; Misuse of government vehicle; Investigative dereliction; Improper relationship with source; Failure to perform duties; Unprofessional conduct; Theft; Misuse of weapon; and Engaging in conduct that constitutes felony. Most of these were committed by more than one employee, a far greater record of impropriety than we could ever imagine occurring in the staid offices of porn companies. And those are just the general categories; when one delves deeper into the workplace habits of FBI employees, alarm bells ring, red flags wave and one wonders who should be incarcerating whom. “An FBI employee shared confidential information with his girlfriend, who was a news reporter, then later threatened to release a sex tape the two had made,” reported CNN. “A supervisor watched pornographic videos in his office during work hours while ‘satisfying himself.’ And an employee in a ‘leadership position’ misused a government database to check on two friends who were exotic dancers and allowed them into an FBI office after hours.” The real head-smacker, however, is the light penalties meted out for these offenses; essentially, many suspensions and few dismissals. It all paints a rather grim picture for those of us still employed in the porn industry. After reading through the steamy disciplinary reports, it becomes increasingly and despairingly obvious that it was we who were sold a bill of goods. To a person, we thought working in porn would mean a life of unrestrained debauchery while at work, with no questions asked. It turns out that was a lie; the real perks are reserved for the “good guys” who only get caught—and then maybe disciplined—when they abuse their extraordinary privileges so egregiously that even the Justice Department's Office of Professional Responsibility can’t ignore it! The released FBI disciplinary reports can be read here.